Compassion starts with yourself

If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.
-- Jack Kornfield

Sometimes I write things here just to remind myself of what I know but have forgotten. Practicing loving kindness towards myself is a big one. I'm quite sure that babies don't lie there and say to themselves, "Oh no, I wet my pants again. I am a horrible person!" So when does all this negative self-talk start, and where does it come from?

Yesterday I taught a teacher training workshop on classroom management. If you talk to teachers about their problem students and the issues that come up in their classrooms again and again, the emotions that come up can be powerful. As a teacher, student after student, year after year, is pushing your buttons. That one cell phone user is carrying the baggage of all previous in-class cell phone users. No wonder it is a high burnout profession! We all need therapy.

I guess any job is the same though. As a manager, I catch myself reacting inappropriately and all out of proportion because of that proverbial last straw. Because over the years, I've heard the same thing again and again so many times that I've lost my ability to see it for what it is. The student standing in front of me has no idea that he is the 300th student to wait until after the deadline to ask to change classes, but I react as though this particular student has done this 300 times. And then, I beat myself up for it. I'm angry at this student, therefore I'm a horrible person. Thus begins the self-flagellation.

In the workshop, we discussed the myth that teachers are not human. Sometimes we complain about the lack of empathy others show towards us. Students often seem oblivious to the fact that we might have our own concerns. We might be sick or heartbroken, we might be waiting for the results of serious medical tests or have a family member who has just passed away. We may suffer from insomnia or have debts we can't pay. But if we don't deliver impeccable service at every moment, we become a Bad Teacher.

It's easy to blame the student for this state of affairs, but the fact of the matter is that things are rarely one person's fault. I think that we - teachers, managers, professionals - often perpetuate the myth that we are not human. We present the hardened, professional, infallible front. We hide our weakness, afraid to be culled from the herd and put out of our misery. Because of this, we might think we are the only ones having this particular problem. We might start to think that we are less than human!

The practice of yoga is very forgiving. We all suffer and we all contribute to the suffering of others - we are not perfect! However, we have a choice, something that can be learned: we can have compassion for the imperfections of ourselves and others. I'm not saying this is easy. There's a reason why it's called practice. Sometimes, when I am gentle with myself and open my heart to my own suffering, I learn that situations are not as bad as I imagined them to be!

I encouraged the teachers to try a practice that I myself have been working on. Whenever tension arises, stop and ask yourself why. Why does this student make me so angry? What are my issues surrounding this situation? And then Why is the student acting the way he is? What is really going on? Marshall Rosenberg's system of Non-Violent Communication has a lot to say about how this kind of thinking, considering universal needs and how they contribute to emotions, can remove tension and build peace.

When I remember this practice (which is only some of the time), I find that the tension in the situation usually goes away. At best, there are these moments of insight and connection that take the breath away. At worst, the problem simply becomes a non-issue. Either way, everybody wins. I don't think this practice is possible unless we can learn to see ourselves kindly and with great compassion. When I can fully experience my own suffering with tenderness, I am filled with compassion for all other beings who are also suffering.

To quote Saul David Raye's opening words in a workshop I took with him at the Ojai Yoga Crib in 2007:

It is not easy being a divine soul in a body on Planet Earth in the year 2007.

Have compassion for yourself. It is difficult exisiting the way we do. Open your heart, see yourself and let yourself be seen.

Namaste, friends. The divine in me sees the divine in you.

The leap of faith

Saul David Raye is a yogi with a beautiful, peaceful and compassionate soul. The few classes I have been privileged to take with him have always been exactly what I needed at the time. His newsletter arrived in my inbox today, and once again, really spoke to me:

"I recently read somewhere a wonderful quote that really touched me. I have tried to relocate the source but have not been able to as of yet. It was something like this "sometimes the only next possible step is a leap of faith!" In my own life this seems to be all that is happening; whatever I know, whatever I have believed to be true is no longer working. When I make choices from my heart, from the inner wisdom and creativity that is in each of us at every moment, the results are amazing. The energy we set in motion when we are resonating at the frequency of our hearts is truly miraculous. Blessings along the path you walk...and to the leap of faith that you are being asked to make in your life right now!"

How did he know? :) My life, too, is demanding of me a leap of faith. I feel myself in one of those moments that define a life and cause it to branch off in a new direction, if I have the courage to make the right choice from the heart.

Once again, there is a parallel on the mat. From my asana practice, I am reminded of the lessons of Urdhva Dhanurasana, known in English as wheel pose or upward-facing bow. This pose for me brings a feeling of joy, even elation, and a rush of energy. Indeed, one of its uses can be to reduce depression. Being comfortable in the pose can feel incredibly uplifting. However, the pose is a challenging one, and has posed some particular difficulties because of my ongoing wrist issues, and because it is a fairly deep backbend. It requires a good warm up, and some strength and flexibility.

However, the main challenge of Urdhva Dhanurasana for me has been mental. Coming into the pose from a supine position requires an initial push to come to the crown of the head, and another push to straighten the arms. Although I have done this pose successfully many times, and it is one of my very favorite poses to do, I have also many times failed to find the strength - or perhaps the commitment - to come all the way up into the pose. Every time before the initial push I feel a great sense of apprehension and fear. It is very difficult for me to commit my energy and breath to lifting into the backbend. I have been doing this pose for several years, but it still requires each time a leap of faith to attempt it.

And the rewards are great. In this pose, with the heart open to the sky, the spirit soars.

I feel myself, in my life off the mat, lying supine, placing my hands on the floor above the shoulders. Taking some deep breaths.

May we all have the courage to take the only possible next step.

Namaste.